The NBA Oscars

Matthew Roberson | @mroberson22

Among the four major American sports, the line between art and basketball is the most direct. Basketball, at its essence, is an expression of self. A person’s artistic creativity can easily be applied to the hardwood. Some prefer to take a lead role with the ball constantly in their hands; others are totally comfortable filling a niche role. Watching a person play basketball gives you a little sneak preview into their life at-large.

Basketball, like art, is about self-actualization. Fulfilling talent is a major part of it, but so is understanding what that talent is in the first place. Not everyone can be LeBron or Denzel Washington, and not everyone is suited for a bench or character actor role.

With the Academy Awards – the most notable recognition of art on a mainstream level – being handed out on Sunday, now is a wonderful time to bestow various NBA players, coaches, and teams with their own awards. Inspired by the actual Oscars, some of these NBA Oscars will be lifted straight from the Academy Awards’ docket. Others have been pulled from the depths of my brain, either to shout out basketball-related things about this season that are near and dear to my heart, or simply to get some jokes off. Put on your best tuxedo, pop some bubbly, and settle in. We can all relax with the knowledge that Warren Beatty has zero chance of ruining this.

The Lady Bird Award for leaving Sacramento: George Hill

“Anybody who talks about California hedonism has never spent a Christmas in Sacramento.”

This quote, from Joan Didion, serves as the opening frame of Lady Bird. The white text on a black screen carries the simplistic, understated nature of Sacramento itself. For all the idyllic images of California’s coastal beach houses and eternal sunshine, its capital city is best known for playing home to the governor, the state’s longest river, and the Sacramento Kings.

Leaving Sacramento for somewhere new and exciting is one of the running plotlines of Lady Bird. The protagonist, Lady Bird, demeans her hometown by calling it “the Midwest of California” and longs to go “where culture is, like New York, or at least Connecticut or New Hampshire”.

I like to imagine George Hill watching Lady Bird, sitting in a dark theatre somewhere on the road after a Kings’ loss, popcorn in his lap, feeling a deep connection with these words. Sacramento is the Midwest of California, and the Kings are the corn field of the NBA. Useful, to be sure, but utterly underwhelming and forgettable. The main purpose of both is to grow resources that can be better put to use in different parts of the country. “I need to go where winning culture is,” Hill probably shouted at the screen. “Like Golden State, or at least Houston or Cleveland.”

Hill followed the Lady Bird path and got himself the fuck out of Sacramento. He voiced frustration while shouting out the friends he made along the way. He acknowledged that him and the organization were “still trying to learn each other,” much like Lady Bird and her mother. He dropped a quote that could have very well been a tagline for the movie: “I’ve just got to figure things out.” All of this came to light in a Sacramento Bee article published on January 3. Hill spent a Christmas in Sacramento and realized that signing there was the opposite of hedonism. For those seeking pleasure in the NBA world, there are few worse places to be. It’s unclear who drove Hill to the airport after he was traded, or if they got emotional and missed a chance for one final goodbye. For Kings fans, the nest is now relatively empty, and another losing season awaits. Some people aren’t built happy, you know?

Best Actor: Marcus Smart


Your favorite actor could NEVER pull this off. In the biggest moment of the Celtics-Rockets game on December 28 – the final scene, if you will – Smart executed some of the best physical acting of this century.

The situation was perfect. Smart worked opposite another A-list actor in James Harden. The action was building toward its climax. A national audience watched anxiously from the edges of their seats. It was Smart’s best chance to leave a lasting impact, and an opportunity that was tailor-made for him to play to his strengths. It was quintessential Oscar bait, and Smart delivered.

This was clearly the product of method acting. I fully believe that Marcus Smart keeps this character going even when he’s away from the cameras. Bump your shopping cart into him in the produce section? Best believe Smart is diving into some zucchini and raising a scene. Getting into a crowded elevator with the guy? He’ll be hitting the deck as soon as you squeeze next to him, insisting that you initiated the contact and he be rewarded with some sort of compensation. You must admire the dedication to his craft, even if at times it makes him unrelatable and distant. Somewhere, Daniel Day-Lewis nods knowingly and clutches his Oscars close, fully aware that a new challenger is coming for the hardware.

The Shape of Water Award for best use of teal: Charlotte Hornets’ throwback jerseys

Photo courtesy of 730 The Game/Twitter


If I told you about these jerseys, what would I say? That they embody beauty itself? I believe they do. That they were the Hornets’ best jerseys? That they’re much better than the current ones? I’m sure that’s true. But when I think of them – of the throwbacks – the only thing that comes to mind is a poem, whispered by someone in love, hundreds of years ago:

Unable to perceive the shape of you, I find you all around me
Your presence fills my eyes with your love
It humbles my heart
For you are everywhere

The Get Out Award for escaping the Sunken Place: Philadelphia 76ers

For the last four seasons, the Philadelphia 76ers were assigned to a dark, paralyzing realm. Their .228 winning percentage across those years trapped the organization while others benefitted from their misfortune. Like Daniel Kaluuya’s character in Get Out, the Sixers weren’t in the Sunken Place by any fault of their own. Rather, a sickening combination of extenuating circumstances, a meticulously crafted process that was widely frowned upon, and a sprinkle of their own naivete caused their predicament.

But like Kaluuya, the Sixers heroically rose from the depths of horror to produce one of the best stories of the year. Patience, perseverance, and an excellent use of resources spearheaded the escape from the NBA’s Sunken Place. Of course, just like the film, blood had to be shed (RIP Sam Hinkie and Jahlil Okafor). With Get Out nominated for four Academy Awards, could the Sixers follow suit when their own award season rolls around? Ben Simmons is the clear front-runner for Rookie of the Year, while Joel Embiid stands to make an All-NBA Team and perennially-underrated wing Robert Covington could receive similar accolades on an All-Defense Team. Regardless of how they fare in award season, both Get Out and the 76ers have been two of the most gripping, intriguing, and entertaining productions in their respective fields.

Best Performance in a Supporting Role: Golden State Warriors player-coaches

A vital component to success on a basketball court or movie set, and in life really, is delegating. The world of movies and basketball can both be overwhelming. Pressure, both internal and external, begins to creep in, and reaching the pinnacle of either profession places a target square on the backs of those basking in glory. This is why it is so important to have capable cogs at every point of the machine. Inevitably, the stars will put out some duds or mail in a few performances. When complacency rears its ugly head, someone or something has to provide the spark that re-ignites the fire.


On a mid-February night in Oakland, director extraordinaire Steve Kerr lit that fire. Kerr let his players handle a chunk of the coaching duties in Golden State’s 129-83 trouncing of the Suns. In describing his reasoning, Kerr went full guy who just tried acid for the first time.

“They have to take ownership of it,” Kerr told reporters. “As coaches, our job is to nudge them in the right direction and guide them. We don’t control them. They determine their own fate.” Other NBA coaches are stuck on this earthly plane, seeing things only as they appear on the surface, their bodies merely vessels for instruction and rule-enforcing. Kerr’s third eye is wide open. His laissez-faire coaching style was born out of players becoming tired of his voice, according to Kerr.

In the words of the great oracle Bill Walton, “Learning how to speak is my greatest achievement and your worst nightmare.” Perhaps taking guidance from his holiness, Kerr put Walton’s advice to use and kept his mouth shut all night. Who better to hand the reins to than one of the league’s most fiery, original, and passionate voices?


Sign me up for a full season of Coach Draymond.

Best Original Screenplay: Eric Bledsoe


In five simple words, Eric Bledsoe penned a true masterpiece that scholars will study for generations. It combines all the elements of a great screenplay: originality, access into the character’s life, vulnerability, and concise writing. Also shouts to Eric Bledsoe for not deleting this tweet.

Best Costume Design: Russell Westbrook

Photo courtesy of DJ Vlad/Twitter


Russ showed up to a game with his titties bustin’ out, told the arena staff that his son ripped the shirt open, then gave the Wizards 46 points and dipped. Frankly, he deserves his own award show.

Best Picture:

Photo courtesy of @MickstapeShow/Twitter

Need I say more?

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