Five Things Missing from the Modern NBA
Matthew Roberson | @mroberson22
There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes,
and the NBA undergoing drastic changes every ten years or so. In the 1970s, the
NBA sat so low on America’s sports pecking order that the Finals were shown on
tape delay. Eight different teams won championships during that decade, before
Magic and Larry swooped in to save the league and capture eight of the ten
titles handed out in the 80s. The drastic change of the 90s (aside from the
players mostly kicking their cocaine habits), came in the form of one person. Michael Jeffrey Jordan. He took
the torch from Magic and Larry and used it to burn down everything in his way.
In the years that saw MJ leave to play baseball, then
come back, then retire, then un-retire, then play for the Wizards, then retire
for good, slow pace of play and back-to-the-basket behemoths dominated the
league. From 1994-2003, seven of the 10 MVP trophies were awarded to post
players. Since then, the only two bigs to be named MVP are Kevin Garnett and
Dirk Nowitzki, who began the wave of power forwards and centers with the
ability to play outside the paint. Now, the snarkiest nerd from every high
school in America is a general manager, teams are launching threes like they’re
going out of style, and 19 and 20-year-olds are getting more play than they
would at a frat house.
With the fabric of the league being hemmed and altered so
frequently, former bastions of the league are becoming less and less common.
This is certainly not your grandfather’s NBA, and it’s not even really you’re
slightly older cousin’s NBA either. As the association drifts further and further
away from its crew-cut roots, we must honor the fallen. This post is dedicated to people,
places, and things that are either on the NBA endangered species list, or have
gone extinct altogether. I’m not saying the league is better or worse because
of their absences. All I’m saying is that the following five things are harder
to find at an NBA game than a reasonably priced beverage.
Afros
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| Photo courtesy of Branden Hunter/Twitter |
With the exception of Nets’ rookie Jarrett Allen, and the
critical mass of players rocking the Duke Starting Five, the
NBA is experiencing a considerable shortage of ‘fros. This is bordering on a
national tragedy. When the NBA shifted to a predominantly-black league, its Afro
rate was carried by the follicles of Artis Gilmore, Darnell Hillman, Mel Bennett,
and other heroes of hair. The 80s were in a safe place with Dr. J’s magnificent
head of hair holding things down. Moochie Norris,
who at one point had a legitimate claim for best name AND best hairdo in the
NBA, rocked an impeccably fluffy Afro during the late 90s. Even two of the
league’s biggest mega-stars
dabbled in the art of Afroism at one point or another. Ever since Ben Wallace
and Josh Childress washed out of the league, there has been a gaping hole in
the league’s Afro department.
Obviously, part of the reason for the decline is due to
the Afro’s fall from popularity in society at large. Still, something must be
done. Every new class of rookies brings a multitude of hairstyles that breathe
fresh air into a league full of ones-on-the-sides and twos-on-the-top. Luckily,
Joel Embiid stands to have a full head of hair for several years to come, and
is taking full advantage of that luxury. De’Aaron Fox and Josh Jackson
immediately put the league – and its barbers – on notice when they were
selected in the 2017 draft. Keep an eye on Raptors’ big man Lucas Nogueira, who
deserves to be printed on currency for pairing his Afro with a series of facial tattoos. There is still time to revive this iconic hairstyle in the
league that helped pioneer it. Oddly, it may take a swath of dudes born between
1992 and 1998 to do so.
Cigarettes
Generations ago, basketball players, and everyone really,
smoked darts with the regularity of your local coffee shop teen. Turns out,
cigarettes are super bad for you, especially if your job places lots of strain
on the heart and lungs. With this information readily available for everybody,
the NBA experienced a sharp decline in Marlboro consumption.
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| Photo courtesy of Javier Gutierrez/Twitter |
You can tell this image is mega old because:
a)
It’s in black and white
b)
Bob Cousy is in it (doing a sick layup I may add)
c)
He’s promoting his favorite cigarettes despite
the fact that he was an elite NBA player
d)
He’s promoting Kent, a cigarette company I have
literally never heard of
It’s very possible, perhaps even likely, that there will
never be another cigarette smoker in the NBA again. At least not a guy who would
admit to it. The tide started to turn in the late-90s and early-2000s. During
those days of boy bands and teal-colored-everything, Vlade Divac was the NBA’s
face of ripping heaters. Rumors swirled that the slick-passing Serbian would
even get a buzz going in the locker room at halftime. A representative for Divac’s
foundation has denied this, which I learned from the same article in which
Divac re-assures everyone that he didn’t smoke that much, just 10 cigs a day.
If any NBA player tried to light a stogie in the locker
room today, you’d hear about it on Twitter within the minute. While there’s
probably a smattering of coaches, front office suits, and announcers (looking
at you, Tommy Heinsohn) who dabble in tobacco usage, any player who does likely
saves it for the offseason. We’re talking about the same league in which half
the players seem to be going vegan, and the other half sleep in hyperbaric chambers.
Of the four major sports leagues, the NBA is undoubtedly the most health-conscious.
Smoking cigarettes with regularity is the opposite of health-conscious. In the
grand scheme of things, we’re not that far removed from Red Auerbach smoking cigars on the bench DURING ACTUAL GAMES. In terms of NBA
years, that was centuries ago. If any players were to pick up a nicotine habit,
though, I have some guesses about who would be loyal to what brand.
Zach Randolph would unquestionably be a Newport guy. J.J.
Redick would exclusively smoke American Spirit, the light blue pack. Joe Ingles
would be pounding a pack of Camels per day, and Kyrie Irving would be that guy
hand rolling all his cigarettes because he’s woke to Big Tobacco companies.
Zaza Pachulia would definitely just eat the entire carton.
Rec Specs
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| Photo courtesy of Branden Hunter/Twitter |
I blame the contact lens industry for this one. The
physical comedy of an NBA player, who is usually one of the greatest athletes
in the world, performing feats of incredible strength while wearing goggles, is
virtually unmatched. If I were commissioner, I would require each team to have
at least one rec spec guy. Every rec spec guy would be required to commit at
least one flagrant foul per week. They would be given significant financial
awards if they matched the specs with a pair of those tall socks with the
stripes at the top. If any player did all that and topped it off with some knee
pads and wristbands, they would receive automatic induction into the Hall of
Fame.
With the increasing visibility of NBA players, it appears
image matters more than ever. Football, baseball, and hockey players all wear
some sort of headgear that slightly obscures their face from the viewers’
vision. NBA players do not have that; they are the most naked of any superstar
American athletes this side of Michael Phelps. I’m sure that HD TV’s and social
media accounts in every home made players less likely to take fashion risks. We
all remember where we were when the Internet roasted the shit out of Carlos
Boozer when he showed up with the painted-on hair. While rec specs are far from cool, I’ve never played pickup against a
rec spec guy who wasn’t infuriating to go against. The name of the game is
still winning, and they don’t award style points yet, so it’s unclear why more people
aren’t wearing them. Rec specs offer eye protection and improved vision, so it’s
a win-win. The league needs a successor to Kirk Hinrich and Amar’e Stoudemire.
This is a bigger issue than the player rest thing or the dominance of super
teams.
White, American
Guards
I don’t know if you guys have noticed this, but there’s
not that many white guys in the NBA. There’s even less white guys in the NBA
that are shorter than 6’5”. The path to the NBA for white guys starts with
being absolutely massive. It also helps to have the last name Zeller or
Plumlee. If neither of those options are in the cards for you, the next best
thing to do is become a historically great shooter like Kyle Korver, who is
probably more of a forward if you want to get nitpicky.
J.J. Redick has followed this plan to a tee. Jimmer Fredette
was on the same career arc until he got to the league and was immediately swallowed
whole. T.J. McConnell has courageously overcome his overwhelming whiteness to forge
a solid career. Maybe the key to making it as a white guard is to have initials
for a first name.
Luke Ridnour and Kirk Hinrich both recently retired after
each playing at least a dozen years in the NBA. Mike Miller hung up his
headband after last season. This leaves Redick and McConell, rookie Luke
Kennard, Tyler Johnson, third-year Blazers’ shooting guard Pat Connaughton, Ron
Baker, and Chelan, WA native Joe Harris as the only Caucasian guards born in
America. (If there’s anyone I am forgetting, please scream at me.) Gordon
Hayward is a forward who can play shooting guard. Ryan Arcidiacano of the
Bulls, Nate Wolters of the Jazz, and Alex Caruso of the Lakers are all
currently on two-way contracts. This means that they can spend up to 45 days on
the NBA roster, and the rest of the contract will be served playing in the
G-League. As of now, those three have combined to play 33 minutes of NBA
regular season action this year.
It may be only a matter of time until the white NBA guard
goes the same way as the white cornerback in the NFL. Of course, as more and
more foreign guys enter the league, we are still treated to the below-the-rim
stylings of my guys Goran Dragic and Matthew Dellavedova, among others. But it
wasn’t that long ago that White Chocolate Williams inspired awe and
bewilderment from basketball fans of all backgrounds. Same goes for the best
basketball team ever assembled having two white
dudes in the backcourt. It just seems at least a little bit likely
that decades from now, Redick and McConnell could be viewed as a snapshot into
a totally different era, like Larry Brown’s overalls. (By the way, for those wondering, the starting five for
the White American team would be: McConnell, Redick, Hayward, Kevin Love, and
Cody Zeller. Korver and Ryan Anderson are the first two guys off the bench. Nick
Collison is the guy they keep on the end of the bench for team morale.)
A Team in Seattle
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| Photo courtesy of Matt Lehman/Twitter |
You knew this was coming. The biggest glaring omission
from the modern NBA is a team in Seattle. It is both incredibly wrong and incredibly
sad that the league is in its tenth year without basketball in one of America’s
greatest basketball cities. Arena and money logistics aside, it’s a no-brainer
to bring a team back to the 206. Of course, nothing is ever that easy, especially
with the messiness that adding one team to a 30-team league could bring. But
with the substantial amount of talent in the NBA – and really in the entire
world – the problem would not be a lack of qualified players to fill the
roster. If and when Seattle is given a team, and Adam Silver wants an eastern expansion
location to balance out the conferences, throw a team in Louisville and instantly
become immortal to two fan bases.
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